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Mammoths and Pterodactyls and Sabertooth Tigers, Oh My

So what was it that made me laugh hysterically at this ridiculous prehistoric epic? Was it the wooden acting, sophomoric script in modern English, the actors’ gleaming teeth, vaccination marks, or the blatant anachronisms out of their time period? Of course, it was all of these flaws. Director/writer Roland Emmerich rewrote the evolutionary timetable, mixing various time periods in early man’s development. It was all in the name of producing a campy grade B epic with a cast of thousands of CGI characters, frightening beasts and accelerated evolution. The result is a fun picture that is laughable and, simultaneously, awe-inspiring, ala Cecil B. DeMille!
Although Emmerich took liberties with historical accuracy, he did produce a spectacular action movie with realistic mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, and those nasty prehistoric birds, the pterodactyl. It also boasts the mother of all epic climaxes. Worlds collide, natives meet early Egyptian civilization, and it’s all over the protagonist. D’Leh’s (Steven Strait) is obsessed with rescuing his girlfriend, Evolet (Camilla Belle), from the brutal marauders who have enslaved her and most of his tribe. D’Leh’s mission is driven by his love for Evolet. His ragtag band of spear-toting natives follow the slave masters into the unknown.
Of course, in this film, evolution takes a back seat to fantasy, and the viewer must suspend one’s disbelief and ignore Emmerich’s trite dialogue. Laugh at the flaws, but enjoy the spectacle of prehistoric man stepping into a time warp to behold the beginning of the Egyptian civilization. Out of the jungle, just past the mountains, the native army comes upon a massive city ruled by a God-like Pharaoh who is constructing the great pyramids using captured slaves brought to the architects by the “four legged demons” aka. slave masters. But, for D’Leh, his journey into this heart of darkness is a personal crusade to free Evolet and his fellow natives from the brutal slave labor of pyramid building. The Pharaoh is using the much-maligned mammoths and thousands of overworked slaves to haul tons of rock up steep inclines.
Along the treacherous journey, D’Leh’s band of natives encounters every kind of global topography, including frozen terrain, mountains, steamy jungles, and barren deserts on their way to the slave masters’ destination. On the way, D’Leh’s squad crosses paths with other native tribes who have also lost people to the slave masters. So D’Leh’s army grows into a formidable force marching to bring down the Pharaoh’s city and free the slaves.
Evolet is the beautiful, blue-eyed woman who launched a thousand mammoth hunters to risk their lives to rescue her and the other captives. She and her tribe are just too clean cut to be authentic, but never mind the cheesy makeup and modern look of these mammoth hunters, it’s a popcorn movie with wide vistas and throngs of slaves (enhanced by CGI) laboring to build the Pharaoh’s pyramids.
Omar Sharif narrates the film with cliché platitudes, adding to the comedic undertone of the film. Clearly, the narration was designed to give the story a sense of importance, but all it did was undermine the action on film and emphasize the silliness of the story. Camilla Belle as Evolet looks properly fragile as she is tied to horses to be drawn and quartered to force D’Leh and his native army to back off. Emmerich injects some spicy sado-masochistic erotic fantasy into Evolet’s enslavement to get the teenage boys in the audience excited at the sight of this gorgeous girl tied up and whipped.
This is one of those guilty pleasure movies that will eventually end up on late night cable so insomniacs can have a beer and laugh at its flaws, secretly enjoying the spectacle. It’s a gas!